She called me out.
People say that I have a really good voice. Everyone in my hometown is always begging me to sing for them and I always say no. I’m afraid. This is a struggle I’ve been carrying since I started singing in front of people. I get so choked up when I have attention on myself. I don’t like it. I love singing. It’s really hard for me to sing in front of people. So even though I know people love to hear me sing, I choose not to. I’m not sure what I fear exactly. Messing up, rejection, critique. I don’t know. So I just don’t. Even when I do get those wild hairs to sing in front of people such as high school variety show, singing in the bars with my dad, or leading worship on the world race, I still get choked up and sweaty and shaky and want to run away as soon as it’s over.
Meanwhile, we went to New Hampshire last week. We did many things there including a Beauty for Ashes retreat. Beauty for Ashes (B4A) is a retreat that AIM has beautifully put together to empower women to share their stories and receive healing from the Lord. During our B4A, we chose to talk about worthiness and identity in Jesus. We took turns standing and teaching these women about how worthy they are to the Lord and that their identity in Jesus is beauty, freedom, and that they’re loved no matter what. We encourage the women to sit with the Lord and ask Him how they view their worth and then what he says about their worth. Then we do the same with identity. “Jesus, who do YOU say that I am? ” We have them write the lies of their identity on a paper and rip it up and throw it away. Then they write their true identity on a crown and speak it out loud. We pray for them at the end and empower them to walk in this identity and walk out their freedom. I was feel honored to walk women through this and to pray for them and see the fruit of it. God showed us a lot of fruit that we don’t always get to see right away.
The second day, our host, Jenn, had no one set up to lead worship. So as I was quietly playing piano at her house she came downstairs, unaware of this fear of mine, and said, “Hey, I was about to call people to see if they could lead worship tonight but I thought I would ask you first. It would save me a lot of time and phone calls if you would step in and do it. ” How could I say no? There was a need and I couldn’t be selfish and not do it. I just told God, “okay, here we go.” I know that I’m gifted. I think a little part of me wonders if I’m worthy of my gift. I had to quickly flip the switch from focusing on myself to trusting the Holy Spirit that this is not about me. So I did. I played piano and sang and led a group of women in worship. While I was up there, I didn’t get sweats, I didn’t get shaky, I wasn’t afraid. I tried so hard to tune out the reality that I was in front of people, I just felt like I was in my room just me and God. It was a sweet experience.
This is a great story and I believe the Lord allowed me to walk through this moment with Him and He was faithful. But the next day is when I was wrecked.
The next day we went to this super cute coffee shop with Jenn. There was a super cute piano in there and Jenn kept bugging me telling me I should play something. Of course I shot her down and said absolutely not. Then we bumped into Jenn’s friend, Robin. Robin is a tall, ferocious, loving woman with a strong New England accent. She introduces herself to us and tells us she’s sorry she couldn’t make it to the B4A event that we held. Jenn then proceeds to tell her that I led worship the night before and she wanted me to play a song here at the coffee shop. Robin looks and me and says, “well, go on then, let’s hear it.” I again say, absolutely not. I don’t do that. I don’t put myself out there. I don’t want to sing in front of people.
This woman grabs my shoulder, looks me straight in the eye, and says, “well I’m glad I didn’t go to your even last night because obviously you didn’t get anything out of it.”
………sorry wut?
I was so shocked. I know some of you are probably offended and thinking, ‘how rude’. But honestly, Holy Spirit got a hold of me in this moment. I realized, ‘dang. I’m not walking in what I preached and empowered all those women to do the past two days. If I don’t walk it out how can I EVER expect them to?!’ Then I felt shame because my words didn’t match with my actions and that’s actually one of my biggest peeves. So I decided to sit down and do the dang thing.
As I was playing, I was thinking about the couple at the table next to me that probably just wanted to have a quiet conversation. I was thinking about the man in the chair just trying to read a nice book. I was thinking about the baristas trying to take orders and not being able to hear. So I cut the song off and didn’t finish because I didn’t want to annoy anyone around me. As I turned around, I saw everyone in the coffee shop, eyes on me, applauding. I didn’t know how to feel. It was like I played for someone for the first time again. I smiled and covered my face. A man yelled and said very sternly, “You seriously don’t think that you’re good enough?! You better start believing in yourself because that was incredible! wow!” I looked at Robin and she smiled softly, hugged me, and said, “that’s my girl.”
I say all this because I experienced a new breeze of freedom. I got super convicted and now I never wanna close that door again. This was all Jesus. I’m so thankful for what I am gifted with. I am so thankful that it isn’t me at all that does the work. I’m so thankful that it is me. That God chose me to have this gift to share with people. How can I hold it back anymore? Thank you everyone for always encouraging me to walk in this. Call me out when I’m not. I never want to put chains on this part of me again. I love the song ‘No Longer Slaves.’ It says “I’m not longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.” I want to LIVE this way and not just sing another song.
So please pray that I can continue to walk in freedom with my gift. Pray that I won’t let man or myself decide if I am worthy enough. I want to empower you to walk in freedom today. Truly walk in freedom. What are you afraid of? Ask the Lord what you are worth to Him. Ask the Lord who He says you are. WALK it out. LIVE it out. BE the light.
